Hi Tamara,
My question is sort of involved, and not really a question as much as it is advice. I've been married for about eight years and lived with her for a few years before that. We have a good relationship, a great sex life, and we get along well with each other. Many of our friends hold our relationship up as the ideal to measure their own relationships against. Obviously we're not perfect, we argue like most couples, but by and large we have a solid relationship.

My issue is that I have a lot of odd little things that I find erotic, arousing, exciting, et cetera, and these are things that I won't tell her. I know her well enough to be certain that she would have very little interest in the majority of things I'm talking about. When these topics are introduced in other ways (that is, not by me saying I am interested in them), she will make comments about how messed up some are.

A few specific examples. She doesn't like porn. She's seen it on TV, on computer, movies, et cetera, but it doesn't do any thing for her. She knows that I surf a little porn, and that I watch it, and she doesn't judge me on that not get upset, but it isn't her thing. She doesn't realize that I surf a lot of porn, and that my interests are beyond naked women and girls being with girls. The things I find erotic will never be part of my life with her, that I am certain of. I love seeing women being very kinky with other women, including lots of anal stuff, golden showers, fisting, and such. I have a kink where I love seeing images of women in their forties or so with women in their late teens or early twenties, especially if they're doing these sorts of things to one another. The list goes on, but I won't bore you.

If I am ever going to live out any of these fantasies and be present and part of a scenario like this, I would have to cheat on her. I don't need to even participate, though I would like to direct some of the action. I'm in no hurry to cheat on her, but I find that I am more and more tempted to find women that might indulge me in such a fantasy, and presumably I would have to pay for them.

It wouldn't be an affair of the heart, but certainly would be against the understanding of our marriage. Any thoughts?
Cheers, M

I wish very much you'd have included your email address so I could send this reply to you directly. It's going to be as long and involved as your question!

I think a lot of times people look at porn or any alternative sexuality and respond with a knee-jerk of whatever "proper" response society has told them is appropriate. So most people uninitiated to kink would look at two people spanking each other and go "That is so sick, how can they do that?!" That is what we have been raised to do, that is how we've been raised to think. Especially women!

This does not mean, however, that this person is really (necessarily) opposed to this thing. It just means that they have had no exposure to it aside from the societal typical "eyewwww" sixth-grade type response which is all most of us have until we somehow move beyond it. Many people never do move beyond it, but I'm going to gamble here and say that I bet your wife CAN move beyond that, given the opportunity.

You are starting from a great place, where you have a solid relationship and a good sex life. That is AWESOME. And the perfect groundwork for expanding your sexual horizons. Your task is to find ways to do so without freaking her out, making the transition gradual, fun, sexy, erotic, and never threatening.

Do you know if your wife masturbates? This is my first question for every man who writes me about his wife or partner (would be for gay couples too), because it is an indication of where you are sexually. I am a firm believer in the "everybody does it," theory of masturbation, especially every sexually active person. So once you answer that question for yourself, move on to... does she have toys? If not, get her some! I recommend the hitachi magic wand... for evvvvvvvvvvvvvery woman. Really, I do, and I get nothing from hitachi for saying so. (Dagnabit!) Get her the darned hitachi, hand it to her, and then leave it ALL up to her. How she will use it, IF she will use it... altho you should probably make a deal with her that she turns it on while nestled firmly in her crotch (even OVER clothes will work) just ONE single time.

She says she doesn't like porn... well I love porn, but not all of it. Lots of porn is *horrible!* In fact, most of it is. Also, what is your wife like in terms of confidence? Some women are very put off by the standard plastic barbie-dolls that pervade the porn world, giant fake tits, bleach blonde hair, and four tons of makeup do not feel familiar at all. In terms of porn you might want to start with something much less threatening and more female friendly. Check out http://www.blowfish.com's selection of porn for ideas... they have honest reviews from their staff of sex positive men and women.

Here are a few ideas for expanding sexual boundaries... SLOWWWWWWWWWWWWLY.

I said SLOWLY! Slowly is the keyword here. And remember, this is not about turning your wife into a fisting-womens-asses-golden-shower-giver... at least, not yet.... this is just about expanding whatever *her* personal boundaries are.

*Talk to her about having an "adult movie night." Send the kids OUT for a sleepover or whatever! A few recommendations from Blowfish: Barbara Broadcast Too!, Clearly Sex (a female masturbation movie, a great idea!), or Love Scenes for Loving Couples, which Blowfish recommends for new pornophiles. (I know, she's not a pornophile yet, but we are hoping here.) Have some wine or champagne, massage oils, feathers, and other fun accoutrements around and available. Focus on her pleasure. I MEAN IT! If you go down on her, don't frickin' stop after 5 minutes as she is just getting into it. Keep going. Get some g-spot stimulation in there. (Two fingers gently inserted, pointed towards her belly button, gentle pressure increasing as she responds to it.) (Movies mentioned here are on the "couples" page of Blowfish.com's video listings!)

*Give her a toy basket! Maybe the hitachi and a few other things. Encourage her to satisfy herself, experiment, and play. With or without you, as she prefers, for now. The focus has to be on her for the time being. She should always feel safe, loved, secure in your relationship, and like this is FUN!

*Try the whispering in her ear about tying her up... and see how she responds. Maybe try some very gentle, scarf-style bondage... then go down on her. Maybe a silk blindfold. Very soft, sensous things to start.

Look I know this is not what you want to hear. But it's not fair of you to assume that your wife will NEVER like what you like. She might not ever! But right now, her world is not opened to be able to either accept or reject those things. I think lots of men make the mistake of blurting out "I want to be spanked," like Rex on Desperate Housewives, out of nowhere, and expect their wives to understand... when that desire to be spanked had been growing and gestating and developing for a long long time for the man. You gotta give HER some of that time as well.

I know that you say that you know her well, but unless you have honestly expressed interest in these things to her and she has rejected you, then you haven't really asked. It's one thing to laugh at some "freaks" on a tv show dressed in leather, it's another thing entirely for your husband to whisper an erotic story about tying you up with silk scarves in your ear.

You are going to find this hard to believe, but... in my first relationship I was such a shy little thing that I had to smoke pot before my boyfriend could touch my ass... I mean even to gently rub my asshole a little bit. I did not turn into the crazy slut you see before you overnight... I went through a process of awakening and realizing that society is FULL OF SHIT when it comes to sexual pleasure. Every person has to make up their minds to do that, or live with guilt in their choices, or they never make the choice and live without satisfaction. I prefer to live guilt free, as I'm sure you'd agree! You have to give her the chance to grow, life is all about growth, and she cannot grow if there is even a hint... any threat whatsoever... that you might leave. She will be too insecure. So if you value this relationship (and I know you do, can tell you do), at least try to help her grow before you take even a chance of damaging it.

Please also read my advice on introducing a woman to threesomes, a lot of it does apply here. Also keep me informed! I'd love to know how it turns out and if I can be of anymore assistance please let me know!